Don't know that I can articulate exactly how I feel at the moment. Imagine that - I'm stymied! For the most part, I can express myself freely when it comes to unimportant conversation, but the past week has been difficult. Or maybe it's just that this particular diatribe isn't unimportant. Once in a while stuff happens that, to some degree, can tend to dictate the direction of your future. I think that maybe this past week has proven to be the precursor to a shift of things for me.
I'll say it here, right now, that during this past week I have seriously pondered retiring from the bike at the end of this season. I entertained doing that about three years ago then decided that I wanted to get stronger and still had more to accomplish, so I kept going. Of late, too many of my good friends have been seriously injured on their bikes and I'm having a really hard time wanting to continue exposing myself that risk day in and day out. I still love to train hard and race but the environment within which I ride (the city and north shore) has become incredibly dangerous and hostile. I've always said I'd walk away on my terms - when it's no longer fun and I get nothing positive out of it. Racing and riding is still enormously fun and positive for me, which is why I am so conflicted.
To consider eliminating an activity so central to my very existence is deeply difficult. Racing bikes does not pay the bills, support my lifestyle or make me who I am in this world. Nor will it ever determine the quality or size of the impact I have on the existence of others. That said, I'm not sure what I will do with myself if I decide that I'm finished. Go back to running marathons? I don't know if I can do that. Work more? Maybe a little bit but not much - I start to hate if I work too much. Get a life and meet some men? Terrifying. The prospects aren't so great!
Until I have a more clear idea of what I'm going to do, I have fully committed myself to the goal of winning a jersey at Masters Nationals in 2010. Time trial or criterium - I owe it to myself to throw everything I have into making that a reality. I'll re-evaluate at the end of the season and hopefully a bit of clarity will have come to me by that time. The end of the season will be in December, after 'cross ends. Til then, I will work my ass off (or rest) every single day and when the smoke clears, hopefully I will know what I want to do.
Up next is the Bong and a half TT on Sunday and I am ready! I considered the Sherman Park crit on Saturday but decided against it. I think I may head down to Kankakee for Cobb Park next weekend. I won that race many many years ago and would like to maybe try it again, as it might be my last time :)
Thanks so much for reading. To all my friends out there who are recovering, stay positive and be patient. This will pass and things will get better. You are in my thoughts. And to everyone else, be careful out there. You just never know what's around the next corner.
What my ears are hearing, in no particular order or importance. Just put the ipod on shuffle.
Backward Down the Number Line - Phish
Four Sticks - Led Zeppelin
You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - Eddie Vedder
The Step and the Walk - The Duke Spirit
Get on Your Boots - U2 (God that song kicks ass!)
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
Jerry Was a Racecar Driver - Les Claypool/Primus
Cult of Personality - Living Color
Fade into Me - Mazzy Star
Right Now - Mocean Worker
Cinnamon Girl - Neil Young & Crazy Horse
Can't You Hear Me Knocking - Rolling Stones (might be my favorite 'stones song)
Spring and By Summer Fall - Blonde Redhead
I'll say it here, right now, that during this past week I have seriously pondered retiring from the bike at the end of this season. I entertained doing that about three years ago then decided that I wanted to get stronger and still had more to accomplish, so I kept going. Of late, too many of my good friends have been seriously injured on their bikes and I'm having a really hard time wanting to continue exposing myself that risk day in and day out. I still love to train hard and race but the environment within which I ride (the city and north shore) has become incredibly dangerous and hostile. I've always said I'd walk away on my terms - when it's no longer fun and I get nothing positive out of it. Racing and riding is still enormously fun and positive for me, which is why I am so conflicted.
To consider eliminating an activity so central to my very existence is deeply difficult. Racing bikes does not pay the bills, support my lifestyle or make me who I am in this world. Nor will it ever determine the quality or size of the impact I have on the existence of others. That said, I'm not sure what I will do with myself if I decide that I'm finished. Go back to running marathons? I don't know if I can do that. Work more? Maybe a little bit but not much - I start to hate if I work too much. Get a life and meet some men? Terrifying. The prospects aren't so great!
Until I have a more clear idea of what I'm going to do, I have fully committed myself to the goal of winning a jersey at Masters Nationals in 2010. Time trial or criterium - I owe it to myself to throw everything I have into making that a reality. I'll re-evaluate at the end of the season and hopefully a bit of clarity will have come to me by that time. The end of the season will be in December, after 'cross ends. Til then, I will work my ass off (or rest) every single day and when the smoke clears, hopefully I will know what I want to do.
Up next is the Bong and a half TT on Sunday and I am ready! I considered the Sherman Park crit on Saturday but decided against it. I think I may head down to Kankakee for Cobb Park next weekend. I won that race many many years ago and would like to maybe try it again, as it might be my last time :)
Thanks so much for reading. To all my friends out there who are recovering, stay positive and be patient. This will pass and things will get better. You are in my thoughts. And to everyone else, be careful out there. You just never know what's around the next corner.
What my ears are hearing, in no particular order or importance. Just put the ipod on shuffle.
Backward Down the Number Line - Phish
Four Sticks - Led Zeppelin
You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - Eddie Vedder
The Step and the Walk - The Duke Spirit
Get on Your Boots - U2 (God that song kicks ass!)
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
Jerry Was a Racecar Driver - Les Claypool/Primus
Cult of Personality - Living Color
Fade into Me - Mazzy Star
Right Now - Mocean Worker
Cinnamon Girl - Neil Young & Crazy Horse
Can't You Hear Me Knocking - Rolling Stones (might be my favorite 'stones song)
Spring and By Summer Fall - Blonde Redhead
